Sometimes when I look at Scottish Culture (which isn’t that often if I’m truthful) I feel like a dress-maker staring at a gaggle of mismatched bridesmaids all aiming to be stuffed into the same style and thinking ‘but how?’.
We’ve got some unnaturally happy mostly adorable slightly suspicious Nats in a Celtic Twilight Braveheart Tartan Kailyard.
T.V. raised suburbans steeped in London and L.A.
A post-industrial sprawling Glasgow that mentally lives in The Steamie and remembers when they got an inside loo (for once I’m too young).
Some children of the Manse – somewhere.
Calvin! – he’s in the bones.
Catholicism! – back like Cronus.
A bright indie scene of student hipsters who get old down their local without updating their retro shirts.
English Arts administrators padding round the press clippings.
Militants and cranks.
Irish-heritagers (I’d call them plastic paddies – but sometimes a snappy phrase is too nasty and mean) who flit between being fiercely tricoloured and mildly bewildered (like me – the bewildered part).
A ton of incredibly visible yet totally submerged Irish Protestants still motivated by the strictly taboo Scullabogue Massacre.
Lost soldier types tagging along and never fitting.
Gangsters (although they’ve been out-gunned recently by London and Dublin).
Chinese people who prefer not to be noticed.
Asians – mostly from the home of my childhood icon Benazir Bhutto (the eyeliner!).
Poles etc (unless they’ve left already).
Africans! – mostly from the right true countries that approve of fat girls.
An Aristocracy who prefer not to be noticed.
The mentally ill.
Weird crimes – like threatening someone while smeared in mince.
Viking parades! (if Shetland goes to Norway taking their lovely money with them – we’ll either laugh at the Nats or get Iceland to invade and wave quota fish at them).
And a kind of Mandarin Class whose exact working life could be replicated in any city on Earth.
Everything that is us is too us; everything else could be anywhere.
I’m sure all the materials will be fabulous once I work out what to do with them.
Unless it looks like this :